Its 3AMDo you know where your Arrancar is?
by DeathPaladin
Summary: Somehow just...sprang fully-formed from an area of my subconscious I don't even wanna THINK about exploring. Pretty much no timeline, no sense of reason. Still pretty f-ing funny.


**Its 3AM: Do you know where your children are?**

I do not own BLEACH. I blame this on a plot bunny multiplying like rabbits and a really bad "Calvin & Hobbes" strip.

"Ichi-kun". Shake shake.

"Glorg murg ug."

"Ichigo-kun, wake up!"

"Mumble grumble gargle."

The red-haired beauty smiled mischievously.

"Ichi-kun…Zaraki-san is watching you sleep."

"HOLY SHIT!" Ichigo yelled, shooting out of bed. He glared at his girlfriend as Orihime giggled into her hand.

"Hime, that wasn't very nice," he growled, scowling playfully. He moved in closer and began nuzzling her neck.

"Ichigo, we have an audience."

"Aaaaahn."

Ichigo froze, his head turning slowly towards the source of the sound.

A certain mentally retarded, blonde male Arrancar had Kon and Ririn cornered. In a surprising display of courage, the lion had placed himself protectively in front of the bird. If the entire situation wasn't so bizarre, it would've been sweet, Ichigo thought wryly.

"Go away! Leave us alone!" Kon shouted.

"Gaaaaahn," Wonderweiss moaned, poking Kon with a pencil he'd taken from Ichigo's desk.

Ichigo sighed, facepalmed, and began searching for his custom-crafted Soul Pager. Finding it, he hit a button.

Kon and Ririn, meanwhile, had taken the opportunity to make a mad dash for the room containing Rukia, Yuzu, and Karin.

"NEE-CHAN!" Kon cried out, kicking the door open. "Yuzu-chan!"

"_DAMMIT KON!"_ Rukia and Karin both shouted, winging a pillow at him.

Kon and Ririn dove behind Rukia.

"Kon, what are you…"

"Protect us, nee-chan!" Kon whimpered.

Karin and Yuzu noticed Wonderweiss squatting in the doorway.

"Um, Rukia…?" Yuzu began timidly.

"What?" the petite Shinigami snarled, throttling Kon.

Karin pointed.

Rukia did a double-take.

Wonderweiss cocked his head and gurgled.

"Wonderweiss-chan!" Orihime called, walking up behind him. "Come here."

"Aaaah-aaaah," Wonderweiss replied.

"Wonderweiss Margela! You come here! NOW!" Orihime scolded, hands on hips.

Wonderweiss, looking like a kicked puppy, complied. Orihime smiled warmly as he took her hand and she led him off.

Rukia blinked.

"What…the hell…?"

"Come on, pick up," Ichigo muttered. "I thought cats were supposed to be nocturnal."

"Hello?" a grumpy, sleep-filled voice finally answered.

"Grimmjow."

"Kurosaki, why. The. Fucking. Hell. Are you calling at this ungodly hour?"

"Grimmjow, listen carefully. I need you to take the phone to Aizen."

"What possible reason would I have for doing that?"

"How does some of Yoruichi's 'special' catnip sound?"

The line was silent, the Sexta Espada mulling it over.

"…He's sleeping."

"Then wake him up, Grimmjow."

"What am I, suicidal? Oi, Ulquiorra!" Grimmjow called out to the other night owl in the Espada.

"Yes?" the Cuarta could be heard on Grimmjow's end.

"Kurosaki says he needs to talk to Aizen-sama."

"I see. And you haven't hung up because…?"

"I wanna find out why."

Barely discernable mutterings of 'damned feline curiosity' could be heard before the other Arrancar again spoke.

"And you elected me why?"

"You regenerate. I don't."

"…"

"…"

"…Fine."

There was the sound of a phone being handed over.

"This better be important, trash," Ulquiorra grumbled.

"Just hurry up, Ulquiorra."

Rukia had entered and was giving her friend an odd look.

"You have Las Noches on speed-dial?"

"Long story. Don't ask."

"This better be good, Ryoka boy."

Aizen proved he was at least partly normal, for he sounded exactly like you'd expect a man woken up at three AM by a phone call from his archenemy would sound like.

"Ohayo Ichigo-kun! Yer on speaker!" Gin exclaimed cheerfully.

"Yeah, we all wanna hear why ya felt compelled t' call at this time of night," Nnoitora could be heard grumbling.

"It's 3 AM. Do you know where Wonderweiss is?" Ichigo asked.

There were several beats of silence before…

"BLOODY FUCKING HELL!"

Surprisingly, the source of the outburst was Harribel, who continued on, cussing a blue streak. Ichigo hoped Starrk was covering Lilynette's ears.

"Kaname, isn't watching him _your_ job?"

"And how exactly am I supposed to _watch_ anything?" the blind Shinigami replied.

"Kurosaki, what is he doing now?" Szayel asked.

Ichigo looked a Rukia, who shrugged.

"I think Inoue's fixing him a snack."

"Oh shit. We're coming to get him now," someone-Ichigo thought it was Loly or Menoly-said.

"Alright. Grimmjow or Ulquiorra know the place."

"Aren't you at…?"

"No. Orihime and I got our own place. Rukia and my sisters are staying over while dad's out of town."

"Oh."

And just like that, the conversation ended.

Half an hour later, the small group from Hueco Mundo had arrived, Wonderweiss was in tow, and Ichigo had handed over the catnip.

"Oi, Grimmjow," he called just before the Garganta closed, "Next Tuesday at two, right?"

Grimmjow replied by shooting him the bird

AN: No, I have no idea where this came from. Several things about it won't make sense, I know, so just don't think about it.


End file.
